The agony of a new decision

 Don't get me wrong, I am learning to love my new life after covid-19 locked us all in, but there has to be changes if I am to live my life the way I would wish and being stuck in the house has not been the option I would choose for myself especially as I grow older.

Watching a You Tube video of someone I follow, I remember saying to him in the comments section it was "time to look after yourself now you have stopped looking after everyone else", and that comment comes back in my direction loud and clear. 

Yes, I have spent a large chunk of my life putting others first, both in my career and in my social life. I have cared for animals and placed their welfare above my own, I have done my best to please others and make them happy, quite often to the detriment of myself, but have found pleasure in seeing them happy. I have worked with children who have a disadvantage of some description and shown them these can work in their favour not their disfavour and I have helped those who have been too frightened to try, to get past that fear and become the whole of what they wanted to achieve.

Don't get me wrong, I have been pleased to serve others but now its my time and I am attempting to turn the bus which appears to have no power steering to help me.

My last post listed pretty much everything I have completed during the latest three month lock down and I managed to complete a whole bunch of stuff in the previous two sessions as well, so I know I have reached a point in the house and garden, where I am running out of jobs to do. I have a decent front door on order to replace the one I have and also have two replacement glass units to replace blown glazing units in two of the rooms, so that's done as well.

I have gone on the list for solar panels on the roof which, should have been fitted by the end of May. Somehow I can't see that happening with the covid situation putting everything off as it did, and the rain! Boy did we get rain for a month solid. Being a council led project though, the prices were far lower because the volume is so great for the fitting companies. The down-side is the potential waiting list and not really knowing where I am in the queue.

So two jobs outstanding but in the pipeline.

But, and this is the big but, its not directly for me, it's around me if you get what I mean?

Yes, it will impact on my life in a good way but has it fulfilled me mentally? Has it given me the adrenaline highs I get when on the high seas? When I enter an orchid house and smell the heady perfume? Or satisfy my sense of touch with the hot, soft sands moving beneath my feet as I walk toward the waves of the ocean?

No.

But I have booked holidays away and hopefully the first one is in August and takes me around the UK. Will I feel better when I come back? I do hope so.

I had plans to get on trains and travel around with a suitcase and a train ticket but covid still has the hotel industry closed as tight as a drum and as yet even a train journey is out of reach. Given the second injection and with the summer months approaching, I will feel more confident to travel, but there again, its a commodity sorely knocked over the past year.

Yes, step one in my mental rehabilitation to this new reality is to regain my confidence and feel safe to step outside the confines of a very narrow field of view.

I look at my car and wonder why it is I still have one. Four seats, four seat belts, what for? There's only one person in there and that's me.

Take out the back seats? Be interesting to see what space is left but can I take out the seats? What about the MOT? Does that effect it in some way? And the DVLC, do they need to be informed?

There's lots of doubt in my head and being on my own there isn't anyone to bounce these thoughts off and work through as most couples would. 

I'm stuck and the decisions are hard. I'm scared to look for the answers just in case there's paperwork at the end of it and I am terrified by anything official at the best of times (an aspect of my autism I'm sure). A van would be easiest, no seats, no hassle and the decision is made for me.

But, and here's the next one, but what happens in a few years time when I am too old to have a license by right and have to go cap in hand to find out if I'm allowed to drive any more? 

This is the biggest 'but' which just won't go away.

Changes

I don't know about you but the latest lockdown has been the hardest. Spending yet another three months confined to the house and surrounding areas has been both claustrophobic and depressing.

Usually this time of the year would have been spent getting out of the UK in search of some sun and replenishing my very depleted vitamin D, but this year I have found myself walking around the housing estates and staring wistfully towards open country, my car and freedom. 

But reality was, I stayed at home, I walked local, shopped local and existed local and went very slowly out of my head with boredom.

Change had to come.

I'm not some one who can just sit and watch TV although I will admit, that screen did become my only interaction with people and You Tube, my saving grace. No, change had to come and as boredom increased so too did depression. I have no doubt others who live alone went through similar processes and it's how we work through them that makes us unique. 

Mine? I take on a new or expand an existing project.

For me two things are important; keeping my physical being as healthy and as fit as possible and maintaining a high level of mental acuity, pushing the boundaries of my understanding and knowledge. If I keep these two aspects sharp I know I can continue an independent life without having to resort to others for mental or physical support. 

Project one, the garden.

Patio replaced, paths relaid, borders widened and planting begun, the back garden is developing into its next morphing. This autumn during lockdown two I think, I ordered and then planted a lot of bulbs, and I do mean a lot! Now I'm enjoying the benefits and tulips, hyacinths, daffodils, celandines and snowflakes which adorn the part of the garden closest to the house, whilst the top part gathers strength for a new project; permaculture.

 Raspberry canes have been moved, cultivated blackberries planted and the blueberry repotted ready for a bumper season. Climbing French beans are sown in pots in the greenhouse as are early cropping salad greens, radishes and later, mooli, pak choi and more exotic varieties. 

The lawn has had it's one mowing for the year and slowly I'm planting mints, and other herbs into the grass so they can spread as they wish. The smells as you walk through will be divine and the flowers will attract bees, hover flies and other insects. 

Project two, that bloody front garden!

The front garden has transformed from a large and very boring grass area to one of purple slate, wide borders, grasses, roses and other drought tolerant plants which will enjoy the baking in sunshine from dawn to dusk...well it will be once all the roots of a wild rose, wild brambles etc have finally bitten the dust. This project has taken weeks so far but the change is immense and so much nicer to pull up to.

Project three

I have started a specialist clinical pilates to strengthen my joints, spine and neck so the hypermobility and associated pain remains in some sort of control. I am doing my best to keep my 'gun-ho' attitude under wraps otherwise I will end up flat on my back from doing too much! I am delighted with not only my progress but also the level of fitness I have coming into the course.

Project four

For my brain, I've taken up Spanish again but this time I'm not beating myself up if it takes me a little longer than I'd like. I'm dyslexic so managing a new language is a feat of endurance! I've not really conquered this one yet, so another is a challenge and a half. Worth it though.

Project five ❣

Travelling is high on the agenda and with everything crossed I have four experiences booked. Yes, four! This is a woman desperate to get going and she's already eyeing up Canada and Alaska for 2023.

It's a bucket list thing.

Potentially project six

Another bucket list thing is a van. I am finding it increasingly difficult to justify a car, but a van, well, that could mean a bed in the back, my cooking bits and somewhere to go to the loo. 

It wouldn't be a posh job, more a van which has the interior built in over time as I get to know what I want and how I want it. Chances are I'll change Van's, upgrade, maybe to a ford transit, but that's maybe a way off yet. 

Not long and I'll need a medical to be allowed to drive so I ain't got long.

How's this year of 2020 effected you? 

For me, my world has coalesced into what it should be and that's a positive to take from all the locking in and locking down we have had this past year.